


i’m not my own (it’s not my choice)

by ferryboatsandbowie



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Ward x Simmons Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 15:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5503853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferryboatsandbowie/pseuds/ferryboatsandbowie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her tears fall against his chest, and he says nothing. When she wakes, he’s gone.</p><p>Not that he was ever there to begin with.</p><p> </p><p>Ward x Simmons Winter: Volume I. <b>Choose</b>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i’m not my own (it’s not my choice)

**Author's Note:**

> Possible spoilers ahead from the mid-season finale for those not in the know.
> 
> Title is from Regina Spektor’s Après Moi.

Jemma rolls over, breath catching in her throat. She expected him gone. She _wanted_ him gone. That’s what typically happens when one engages in breakup sex. Love. Heartbreak. Tears. One final goodbye. Then he leaves. Waking in his arms was not a part of the plan… With breakfast in bed, no less.

That’s when she remembers.

She shuts her eyes and lets him hold her, his lips hovering over her crown.

“A little late for that, isn’t it?” he asks her gently. “I know you’re awake.”

“I’m not,” she argues. “You’re not real.”

“Jemma - ”

“ _No_ ,” she whispers to him. “No talking. Just let me have this.”

“Anything.” Grant kisses her with such a deft touch. “Anything you want, baby.”

Her tears fall against his chest, and he says nothing. When she wakes, he’s gone.

Not that he was ever there to begin with.

Jemma is Kore living in the underworld. All he wants her to do is eat something, and she refuses to give him the satisfaction. She sits at his table and picks at her plate, consuming nothing. 

“You need to eat.”

She stares at the food, thinking on her dream. “I don’t need to do anything you say.”

“Jemma,” his lips wrap around her name, almost with a fondness. “I won’t force your hand. When you chose to be together, you came of your own free will.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” she drones, her mouth angled to a shadow of a smile. “I chose _this_. Never you.”

Ward’s lips settle on a smile as she watches his jaw work. It’s wrong, all wrong. She knew this face. His _voice_. He was the man who loved her and lost her. The man who killed her over and over again…

She wanted him dead. She never wanted this.

“Tell me why.”

Jemma scoffs before raising her eyes at him again. She holds his gaze, dead as the night’s sky. “You know _why_.”

“And that matters?” His words are measured, his tone the calmest she’s ever heard him. “He left you for dead. Lied to you… _Tortured_ you - ”

“Will never touched me,” she says quietly.

“I see.” Maveth hums his acknowledgement. “You’re still angry about our astronaut.”

She shakes her head. “He was never yours to keep.”

His brow was pinched, but he didn’t look angry. Always curious, never angry. They both knew Will Daniels had little to do with her upset. He indulges her anyways.

Maveth takes a deep breath before speaking. When he finally does, it’s not Grant she hears.

“I love you, Jemma.” His soft, gravelly voice sends a chill creeping down her spine. “Is this what you want?”

It’s tempting. _Her_ Will. Another one of his tricks.

“You’re delusional.”

“Call me what you like.” He shrugs, still wearing Grant’s body paired against Will’s voice. “Sick, evil… I may be a monster, Jemma, but I’m not the one who stays. You _choose_ to be here.”

It’s _them_. If he were possessing anyone else, she could tune out his filth.

“You’re right.” Hitching her chin, ever so, she fists her hands under the table to stop them from shaking. “I’m here. I’m _staying…_ What more could you possibly want from me?”

Grant’s eyes stare back at her, incredulous. “Nothing more than I’ve asked.”

Acid burns at the back of her throat and she swallows down the sick. He wants what he’s always wanted. Hearing Grant’s voice make such demands was callous and cruel. But Will died for this, for _her_. He died protecting her light. Manipulating her like this was needless torture.

He watches the tears well in her eyes. They never fall.

“Stop,” she urges, her voice breaking on the word. “Release him.”

“Not until you’ve had something to eat. Can’t have you wasting away on me.”

She closes her eyes in defeat, taking a tentative bite off her plate. The food tastes like ash in her mouth, but it’s a willing sacrifice to make if he’ll just let her be.

“There.” She tenses against the return of Grant’s speech. “Now, was that so hard?”

Jemma rises from her seat at the table in silence, hating herself for letting him get to her. But before she can make it out of the room, he calls out to her. One final twist of his knife.

“You’ll see them soon enough.”

She turns over her shoulder, unable to face him. “Is that a promise or a threat?”

“It’s whatever you need it to be.”

She might have actually believed him then.

When she finds herself in his arms again, she accepts him without hesitation.

“What are you still doing here, baby?”

The question is so gentle, so innocent, she nearly forgets it’s a dream.

“It’s penance.” Her brows draw together as she remembers the slaughter. “I don’t have a choice. No one else is going to die because of what I’ve done.”

“None of it was your fault.”

“Dr. Garner pulled the trigger, but I’m the one to supply him with the gun.” She exhales slowly. “I set him free. I remain responsible.”

Jemma feels the frown of his lips over her head. There was nothing he could do - nothing he could say to make this right. The dead have no place granting absolution. All he can do is hold her as their silence lingers into the night. At least his touch is real enough.


End file.
